I grow weary of this xanga.

Looking at the name, the old posts, the site itself, reminds me of a chapter I have closed.  That is a chapter I intend to never flip back to.

Soooo...

I started a new one...

www.xanga.com/peace_freedom_love

Hello.

How are you?

I am great...lots of smiles and sunshine going on right now.

But I wanna know how you're doing!

,

Amanda

My Eyes Hurt!!!!

I just went through and re-read my entire past year of xanga posts for a rehab assignment.  There was so much I left out.  I realized that no one could realize just from reading my xanga how down and out I really got.  I'm not asking for sympathy or anything like that...I'm just shocked to realize how much I purposely left out to make myself look better than I really was.  Never did I mention the drugs or the embarrassing situations.  You'd just think I drank too much and that was it...

So what was it really like?

It was like I was living Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.  Wandering through life in a drugged-out drunken daze, never remembering what I did earlier that day, not really knowing how I got from one place to the next, but always willing to abuse myself emotionally and accept whatever drug someone handed my way.  No one knows about the rapid descent from top to bottom.  First the alcohol, then the experimental drugs...then the ones I became addicted to.  And now...I hope everyone knows about the not-so-rapid ascent I'm making back up the ladder. 

I also realized by reading the past year that I've said tens of times that I'm getting better, oh I promise, everything's changing this time...and there's no reason for anyone to believe me this time any more than they did any of the other times.

However, I know this time's different, and that's all that matters.  This time...I believe myself.  I never did before.  Always before was the voice in my head saying "you don't really have to quit...we'll just make them think you did."  And always I would fall back into the same pattern. 

So...this time...I'm not asking anyone to praise me, to feel sorry for me, or to even believe me.

I know what's going on in my life, I know I'm doing better than I have in over a year, and just being able to be proud of myself is good enough for now.

Just Venting...

The thing people really don’t understand about alcohol and drugs is the loss of control.  After awhile, you don’t choose to use the drugs…they’re using you.  They develop a mind, a life, a personality of their own.  They take you over like demons, and, eventually, there’s nothing you can do to break free of their hold.  Day after day you wake onto a world void of emotion, tactful thought, or anything that ever mattered before.  All that matters is having that first drink, or finding anything that will give you a temporary fix.  Just enough to get you through to the next fix will do. 

Life becomes murky.  You don’t know who you are anymore.  You feel like you’re walking around in someone else’s dream and the second they wake up, you’ll disappear.  No one wants to feel that way, but, unfortunately, it happens every day.

Everything that ever mattered to you slowly goes away.  Even though it’s the last thing you want, it will.  People who have been there for you your whole life will grow farther and farther away from you until they slowly just evaporate from your life.  Although the pain of losing everything that ever mattered to you is overwhelming, you can’t stop.  At this point, you’re so far gone that you think “after this drink…I’ll change…I’ll just smoke a little more…then I’ll stop for good,”  until you’ve finally lost everything.  You’re devout of anyone’s trust, love, or respect.  Not to mention you’ve already lost anything material that you’ve worked for your entire life.  Education…personal belongings…they’re gone, and there’s nothing you can do to get it back.

Eventually, the pain becomes overwhelming.  Every morning I would awake, freezing, shaking, covered in sweat.  I’d think “I can do this…I can get through this day.”  I’d try to get up, only to immediately run to the bathroom and spend about an hour getting sick before I started the cycle over again by picking up that first drink, or smoking that first rock.  After awhile, you’re so sick of the physical pain that death starts sounding like a trip to Disney World.  You know that recovery should be an option…but to you it seems like something for a person with much more integrity than you could ever muster. 

You sneak around like a criminal, stealing whatever alcohol you can get your hands on, and scouring the floorboard of your car for any drugs that may not have made it into your pipe the night before, lying to the only people left in your life that have the slightest bit of trust or faith in you.  The lifestyle seen on “Cops” becomes everyday routine for you.

Then one day…a miracle happens.  A light shines on you, and you see exactly what’s been happening to you.  Step by step, you start the long and winding road back into normal life.  It’s harder than it’s ever been before, because you have to be reborn.  You have to start where you did twenty-two, thirty-seven, fifty-eight years ago…with no one to hold your hand and teach you how to walk without falling down.   Dependence on the Lord is crucial, and an open mind is even more so.  If ever you find yourself in such a situation, which I hope none of you do, remember that belief in yourself is so much more important than what anyone else thinks. 

Over the past two weeks of sobriety  I’ve had, I can’t count the times I’ve cried, or how extremely mad I’ve gotten at the people I feel betrayed by.  Then I have to remind myself of how many times I’ve betrayed them over the past year.  It hurts worse than anything I’ve ever experienced to know that my closest friends don’t want anything to do with me because of the monster I became over the past year…but I know it’s something I must accept. 

The only thing that’s left for me to do is live each day as it comes, slowly turning my life back into what it was before this mess happened.  I feel as if I’ve just passed through the dark ages of my life and am now at the beginning of the Renaissance.  Where my life goes from here, only time will tell…but I know I have the strength and the drive to make it better than what it has been...and maybe even better than what it was before.

I'm having a hard time believing how great things are going right now.  I mean...my life is just falling back into place, and all it takes is waking up in the morning and making a conscious decision not to drink that day, and not to do drugs.  If I'd have known six months ago how easy it is to just focus on today and not worry about tomorrow, I'd have been in much better shape.

But I wasn't ready, I guess.  Now that I am, it's just so rewarding, in so many ways.  I feel better, I look better, I have more motivation, and things are actually happening in my life. 

I start my interior design career next Monday.  It's funny...my whole life, a career is something I've thought would happen way down the road, and I was never able to shake that frame of mind, even with each passing year.  Now that it's only a week away, I'm so excited I could just burst.  I admit, I am a bit nervous...I mean...I'm working on people's houses...the place they live.  What if I do something they don't like?  What if I have trouble comeing up with inspiration for a room?  It's been my dream to be an interior designer since I was eight years old, and now that I am one, I'm kinda nervous.  But all the tests I've given myself and all the dreams I've had in my life prove that this is what I was born to do...and hopefully, I'm good at it.

I'm making friends!  I haven't had anyone around here for the past six months or so...well...I've had friends who turned out not to really be friends, but they don't count.  Joel and I have started talking again, which is really exciting.  He's been my best friend since I was seventeen, and losing him was hard.  I'm happy he's coming around.  Plus I'm making new friends at group and in meetings.  It's so exciting.

It is a little hard to accept that some people aren't ready to give me a second chance yet, but that's something I need to learn to deal with.  I'm working my twelve step program diligently, and the ninth step is making amends with those I have hurt.  That's the step I'm on.  I've done my part by calling people and leaving voicemails, explaining myself and apologizing...I guess it's all off me now.  If they want to call me back, I'll be absolutely delighted.  If not, I guess I'll just have to live with the losses I brought onto myself and move on. 

Anyway...I don't think I've written a post this long in a millenia, so I'm going to get off of here...

Luvs,

Amanda